


Hanging On To Me

by ZenyZootSuit



Series: The Cop and the Rookie [1]
Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: 2x19 Some Kind of Hero, Assume Gay Even If Proven Straight, Blow Jobs, Coda, Episode Related, Episode Tag, First Kiss, First Time, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Raging Bisexual Jamie Reagan, Rare Pairings, Semi-Public Sex, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, The author tried to be canon compliant, you were thinking it too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 09:42:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17159690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZenyZootSuit/pseuds/ZenyZootSuit
Summary: Sergeant Anthony Renzulli would do anything for Jamie Reagan. He loved his partner. The problem was that he loved his partner a little too much.





	Hanging On To Me

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while listening to “Hanging On” by Chris Young on repeat, hence the title. I ship this because rare pairs 4 DAYZ and also because I’m trash. I’m so sorry this was supposed to be hurt/comfort with kissing. It turned into hurt/comfort with kissing and sex because again, I’m trash. Sex in public places is a bad idea. Don’t do what they do. Episode Tag for 2x19 Some Kind of Hero. As always I weave dialogue from the episode into my fic to make the fic more believable. Any dialogue that can be recognized as from the episode is not mine.
> 
> As a side note: TO = training officer

Sergeant Anthony Renzulli thought Jamie’s ex was crazy for leaving him. Batshit crazy. Who wouldn’t love this kid? With his sense of humor, bone-deep-honest-to-God kindness, cute smile, haunting blue eyes—

 _You are his TO_ , he reminded himself. _The words “abuse of power” mean anything to you?_

Renzulli had always had an eye for beauty. Who cared if came in the male or female form? Beauty was beauty, and Jamie Reagan was drop dead gorgeous.

And Renzulli was his mentor, and had been mentor to his older brother. He was also very married, lest he forget. That was kind of important. And he loved his wife, more than anything.

 _Except Jamie Reagan_ , a traitorous voice in his head groused.

He wasn’t sure what he felt for Jamie. A genuine affection, perhaps? A deep friendship that could only develop between two people who spent every second of every day together for a year? Or maybe it was something like love. Not the same kind of love he felt for his wife, he’d known her for God knows how many years. He could never love anyone more than her. (He missed the days when she loved him the same.)

 _You’re missing the point here_ , the voice reminded him. _You still feel too much for the kid._ That he did. _And you’re only crushing on him because of your own problems with your marriage._ Maybe, maybe not.

For the sake of argument, it was worth mentioning that there was no way Jamie was straight. Renzulli’d gotten a queer vibe from him the moment he’d met him and he should know, hardly being straight himself. That and since Jamie and his fiancée had broken up, Jamie’s eyes would follow beautiful men down the sidewalk often enough that Renzulli was bound to notice eventually.

_But he wouldn’t have eyes for the old guy training him, would he?_

Besides the fact that Renzulli was still _very, very_ married, so none of that mattered.

Still, as they spent their off days painting houses together for rent money, Renzulli couldn’t help but dream, just a little bit. And his dreaming didn’t hurt anybody but himself, so what did it matter anyway?

*******

Jamie had run into a fucking _burning building_ to save a baby. Of course he had, because he was every bit the hero cop Renzulli’d always known he was, and the Sergeant had never been prouder. Jamie held onto his upper arm and Renzulli to Jamie’s as the rookie grinned at him, face dusted with soot as he intermittently hacked the smoke out of his lungs. Renzulli tapped the rookie affectionately on the back of the head (and ignored the part of himself that wanted to kiss him). Jamie was gonna be one of the good ones. Renzulli was sure of it.

Standing there at the scene, he found himself feeling astoundingly grateful that Jamie was his partner.

 _He doesn’t need me to teach him how to be a good cop_ , he thought with a smile. _I could still teach him a bit of sense, though._ He had promised the Commissioner he’d keep an eye on his son. The real meaning of the words, “don’t let him end up like Joe”, had gone unspoken, but understood all the same.

No, Jamie was going to be a good honest cop and Renzulli was going to keep him out of trouble.

And then he’d been asked to take the credit because of Jamie’s undercover operation.

 _Anything_ , he’d thought as soon as the commissioner said it. _Anything for Jamie._

_I’d die for him if he asked._

He felt like crying because of the injustice of it all, that Jamie had done something so truly good and couldn’t take credit for it. And because Jamie hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him he was undercover.

_And because it meant he’d failed in his mission to keep Jamie out of trouble._

“I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone,” was Jamie’s confused answer to Renzulli’s anger and frustration.

“Didn’t think I was anyone!” Renzulli snapped back before walking into the precinct, fuming. He’d feel ashamed of his reaction later and would nurse his ill-advised-yet-still-burned feelings with a bottle of wine when he got home from work. And would feel ashamed of that too. In reality, Jamie was a first-year cop, one with a law degree, so of course he was gonna follow the rules wasn’t he?

But he still had to go on patrol with the kid. So, naturally, he spent the entirety of the shift yelling at him. Which was awful of him, but Renzulli didn’t care. Because the stupid kid didn’t seem to realize exactly how stupid he was. (And his promise to the Commissioner aside, Renzulli couldn’t bear to lose him, especially not him.) Honestly, going _under cover_ with work bad enough to put his life at risk if his cover was blown? _In his first year??_ Renzulli wanted to strangle him.

Jamie, bless his heart, let Renzulli rage at him for the first half of their shift. He sat there quietly in the car or walked beside him without a word as Renzulli gave him a piece of his mind, telling him exactly what he thought of the rookie’s escapades.

He got sick of it half way through, however, and started firing right back. Privately, Renzulli noted how hard it was to argue with someone with a law degree.

Their argument carried through the rest of their shift and into the locker room after their shift was over. Renzulli wasn’t even really sure what they were yelling about at that point.

By then, he was just tired. He shook his head at the kid ( _he can’t even take credit for what he did goddamnit and of course Renzulli would do it to keep him safe, but why did it have to burn /so much/)_ and turned to pull his street clothes out of his locker so he could go home, go the hell to bed, and forget this day.

“And you know what?”

Renzulli sighed. “What?”

Then he was being turned around. Jamie held him by the shoulders, forcing Renzulli to look at him.

“You’re not just anyone, Sarge,” the rookie said with a good amount of conviction. And before Renzulli could get in another word, Jamie Reagan was kissing him. By God it was everything Renzulli had ever dreamed it would be. It turned out Jamie kissed like he did most other things in his life: with his whole heart and soul. One of Jamie’s arms was around his neck, the other was tight around his waist, Jamie’s tongue was in his mouth, and Renzulli found himself indulging in it before he could even begin to think otherwise. Right then, with one hand on Jamie’s jaw and his other arm around Jamie’s back, he never wanted to stop.

A clang down the hall had him wrenching away from Jamie, reality hitting him square in the chest. God, what was he doing.

“Sarge—“ Jamie whispered, breathless.

Renzulli’s head spun. He was Jamie’s TO. And Renzulli’s wife, _fuck_ …

At Renzulli’s silence, the color had drained out of Jamie’s face. “Sarge, I’m…” he broke off.

There was not enough oxygen in this damn locker room. “Reagan, I’m your _TO_ …” Renzulli hissed, rubbing his eyes. “I’m _married_ …”

“Sarge—”

Renzulli ignored him and walked into the showers before he did something he’d really regret. What would he regret? He’d rather not think on it. When he came back, the kid was gone without a trace.

He sat down heavily on the bench and buried his face in his hands. He was never going to forget what kissing Jamie felt like. Or how much he’d _loved it_ …

He wanted to hate the kid for doing that, for doing all of this, but he couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t.

 _You’re not just anyone_. Those words rattled around in his head all night.

*******

Jamie was there as Renzulli accepted the award for Jamie’s bravery. The Commissioner shook his hand and mouthed ‘thank you’, and Renzulli felt like he could die then and there. Jamie smiled at him from the audience. The true hero. A truly good man.

 _I can’t do this,_ he thought as he shook the baby’s hand playfully and played the part he'd been asked to. _I can’t do this._

Jamie found him in a bar later. 

“I’ve been looking for you.”

Renzulli hummed. “I need to clear my head.”

“Having a drink?”

“Yeah,” he answered dully. “Today is opposite day, isn’t it? I pretend to be the hero and you pretend not to be. Maybe I’ll get drunk and pretend to be sober.”

Jamie was quiet for a moment. “You gave a nice speech.”

The ache in Renzulli’s chest was too much. “You know what the funny thing about all this is, Reagan? The big lie we did?” he asked wryly and rubbed his eyes. “It not only got me a lot of mileage at work, but all of a sudden my wife thinks I’m something _special_.”

It was true. When he’d told her about the award, she’d kissed him like she hadn’t in maybe ten years. It was everything he’d been wishing for, but in that moment all he’d been able to think about was how kissing Jamie had felt better. Perhaps that was because it hadn’t been based on a lie.

Jamie looked down at his beer. Renzulli could see the gears in his head turning as he mulled over his answer.

“I do, too,” he finally said, eyes coming up to meet Renzulli’s. He flinched at the affection in Jamie’s eyes and at the hand on his wrist. “You did me a big favor. It wasn’t easy, and I appreciate it.”

He couldn’t help but smile at the kid as affection welled up in his own chest. He pulled his hand out from under Jamie’s and changed the subject before he could do something stupid. Like kiss him.

“So how long’s this undercover thing gonna go on for?”

Jamie shrugged.

“Even if I knew, I couldn’t tell ya.”

Renzulli ignore the twinge in his chest and nodded, eyes never leaving Jamie’s face as the rookie laughed. “Just do me a favor,” he said, looking down at his drink. “Don’t do nothing heroic.”

Jamie nodded in agreement with a smile. Jamie Reagan’s smile could light up a room, Renzulli mused.

Their bottles clinked together and they both took a drink. Renzulli watched the apprehension blooming in the rookie’s eye. He could guess what was coming. So he waited patiently as Jamie turned over what he wanted to say in his head. He half considered answering the question he knew was coming before Jamie said it. Put the kid out of his misery.

Much to Renzulli’s surprise, Jamie didn’t say it until they were standing on the subway platform to go home. They both had to work tomorrow.

“You kissed me back.”

Renzulli didn’t lift his eyes from the concrete in front of him. “Remember that bit about my wife?”

Jamie swallowed and persisted. “You kissed me back.”

“I did.” No use denying it. _And I want to again_.

Jamie’s mouth twitched in a smile. “Look…Sarge, I know what you said. I won’t push you on this, I just…” Renzulli understood. Feeling like you’re the crazy one when someone who you thought so clearly returned your feelings turned you down. He wanted to know he wasn’t crazy, that he hadn’t been imagining things. Yeah, Renzulli could definitely relate. He was pulled out of his musings by Jamie’s hand curling around his wrist. “I just wanted to say thank you.”

Oh.

And Jamie kissed him there on the platform. And Renzulli let him, because it was late and there was no one else around, and if a kiss was all the kid wanted from him after Renzulli had been commended in his stead, then Renzulli would give it to him.

And he didn’t have the strength to pretend he didn’t want to.

Jamie broke the kiss and smiled at him, such love and adoration etched on his face, it made dread curdle in Renzulli’s stomach.

“Jamie…” he started, only to have to pause as he watched the smile slide off of Jamie’s beautiful face. “I’m your TO, Jamie. That’s a major abuse of power regardless,” he cut Jamie off with a look before he could object. “Regardless of what you say about it.”

Jamie looked away. “I know… I won’t bring it up again. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

God _damnit_.

Renzulli shook his head. “Oh Jamie…”

The train arrived before he could get another word out. Part of him was grateful.

*******

The responsible thing to do was to get Jamie a new partner. Since the day after Renzulli’s commendation, the kid had done an excellent job of pretending nothing had ever passed between them. Renzulli…not so much.

Every second he spent with Jamie Reagan was pure torture. Completely self-inflicted. Because he wanted. Oh how he wanted. Every time he laid eyes on his partner he wanted nothing more than to kiss the rookie and make sure nothing bad ever touched him. Between that, the undercover work, and having had to take Jamie’s commendation, Renzulli was distracted. And that was bad. Very bad. So he got the kid a new partner. That very day, Jamie showed up in his office.

It was late, later than Renzulli normally stayed. But that night (every night since he found out what kissing Jamie Reagan felt like), he couldn’t bear to go home to his wife when he was in love with a rookie twenty years his junior. Because he did love the kid, didn’t he?

He had been sitting on the bench in the locker room staring at the same sheet of paper (what was on it? Who knows. He hadn’t been reading it) for twenty minutes when the door opened and shut. And in front of him appeared the very object of his affection.

“You reassigned me.”

“I did.” What else could he say?

“Sarge, no.”

“Jamie…”

“No!” He stepped closer. “Sarge if this is about what happened—“

“What else could it be about?” Renzulli asked dully.

“It won’t happen again. I swear. I’m…I’m over it! I mean it. Sarge—“

“Goddamnit, Reagan!” The kid shut up. Renzulli rubbed his eyes. “I didn’t reassign you because of you, I reassigned you because of me.” Jamie stared at him, clearly confused.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean this!” He wrenched open his locker and swiped a box off the shelf. His new bar, the one he’d gotten for ‘saving that kid’. “This is eating me alive. That everyone thinks it was me who saved that kid. And you know what else? That you didn’t tell me about your undercover work.” He kept going before Jamie could say something on that topic. “I know, I know, you’re a rule follower. But I’m your partner. And that stings.”

Jamie wasn’t looking at him.“I’m sorry, Sarge…”

“You’re sorry? Goddamnit…” And before he could stop himself, he had stood up and taken the kid’s face in his hands and was kissing him for all he was worth.

It was Jamie who broke the kiss to stare at him in shock.

“And it’s this, too, Jamie.”

“Sarge…”

And it was Jamie, his eyes so full of hope, that broke Renzulli’s heart. He kissed the rookie again. Because as soon as he walked out the door, that was it. This would never, could never, happen again. When the kiss broke again, Jamie must’ve read it off his face, because his smile dropped off his face as he whispered, hands grasping at the front of Renzulli’s uniform, “Just a little bit longer, please, just a bit longer…”

So Renzulli let him kiss him some more. Let him slip his hands under Renzulli’s shirt, let himself do the same. Hands running over Jamie’s well-muscled back, he wondered again if this were a dream, how a beautiful kid like Jamie, who could have anybody in the world he wanted, would go for a beaten down old cop like Renzulli.

He smacked away the rookie’s hands when they fell to his belt even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. He was harder than he’d ever been in his life and Jamie was too.

“Jamie…” he whispered, head fuzzy with lust. Jamie was breathing hard, staring at him with pupils blown wide with desire.

“Sarge…” he answered, dropping to his knees. “Let me…”

And damn it, the word “no” caught in Renzulli’s throat, the sight of Jamie Reagan on his knees straight out of his wet dreams. He nodded before he could think better of it. 

And then he was getting the best blow job of his life from Jamie Reagan. He found himself leaning hard up against the lockers as his knees went weak.He threaded the fingers of one hand gently through Jamie’s hair and rested the other on his shoulder.

“Jamie…” he moaned softly as he caught sight of Jamie’s hand down his pants, furiously jerking himself off. He didn’t last long after that, the rookie’s name again on his lips as he came.

Still shaking through the aftershocks, he pulled Jamie up to stand and got a hand on him. He swallowed the moan on Jamie’s lips as he did, ignoring the taste of semen on his tongue. Jamie came, shuddering in Renzulli’s arms.

 _Damn it…_ he thought to himself as he held the kid to his chest. _Damn it all…_

“I’m the one who’s sorry, Jamie,” he whispered into the rookie’s hair. “I’m so sorry.”

*******

He never told his wife. He never told anybody. Danny and Frank Reagan would have his head if they caught wind of what had happened between them, regardless of if Jamie had consented whole-heartedly or not.

Danny would be one to talk, he thought wryly as he caught sight of Danny pressing his partner, Jackie, up against the wall in the evidence room and kissing her breathless.

They all had their vices, he supposed. He could hardly judge a cheating husband when he himself was one. (The guilt had nearly crushed him more than once, but he kept quiet. His penance, you could say.)

When Jamie’s partner died, the kid ended up in his arms back at the precinct, sobbing his heart out. Every cop felt like crying that day, but Renzulli was more grateful than anything to be able to fold the kid up in his arms again.

 _What had he wanted with the kid anyway?_ he asked himself one night as his wife lay asleep beside him. _A relationship? How, exactly, would that have gone for you then?_

Most of him had just wanted Jamie in his life, in any fashion.

More than once through the years, he wondered if Jamie was still as caught up over the whole thing as he was. After he caught wind of Jamie’s affair with Eddie Janko, he doubted it.

 _He was never yours to keep_ , he reminded himself. _Why were feelings so hard to kick, especially when you didn’t want them?_

 

**_El Fin_ **

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed indulging myself and writing it


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